“The most valuable thing we can do for the psyche, occasionally, is to let it rest, wander, live in the changing light of room, not try to be or do anything whatever.”
― May Sarton
And this is what I have been working on. Finding rest. Building resilience. Identifying what makes for an authentic re-set. I’ve missed this blog and the connections it brings me.
But I had to step away.
It’s been just under 11 months since the global COVID-19 (coronavirus) pandemic was declared.
And humankind – at least this human – is exhausted.
I count my blessings and know that in the grand scheme of things, I am fortunate to have weathered the year better than so many.
I can work from home (more or less) and so continued to have some income and meaningful work in a safe environment. My family and closest circle of friends have remained (mostly) unscathed by the virus. We could pay our bills and on good days, feel confident that there will be brighter days ahead.
And for all those things I am eternally grateful. So much so that it makes me tear up when I really stop to consider the alternatives.
Like so many others though – I felt a nagging downturn begin in both my physical and mental health. This started somewhere about June-ish. The world seemed endlessly angsty, tempers frayed, responsibilities connected with selling a home and moving while under COVID restrictions and managing extra domestic and caregiver duties when my partner fractured an ankle, on top of just regular Lockdown Life gave my stress hormones a very unhappy and heavy-handed hit.
My sparkle had dimmed. Pfffffffffttttttt……. gone.
Here I was – supposed to be the voice of cool, calm and collected, the ‘can-do’ professional, my clients’ biggest cheerleader and ‘fixer’ and I was struggling myself.
With sleep. Anxiety. Weight gain. Digestive revolt. Joint pain. Snappishness. Mental fog. Lack of creativity.
Simply not feeling like myself.
And most of all – being exhausted to my core. For no good reason that I could figure out. Except of course, the reason was Every. Damn. Thing.
I don’t have all the answers. But here is what I know for sure:
Resting is magical. And for most of my life, near impossible to allow myself to sink into. Always too many things to accomplish. Too many To Do’s. A plethora of obligations. The incessant drumbeat of ‘never enough, never enough, never enough” that grinds through my brain and keeps me pressing forward even if I haven’t one ounce of energy left.
But no Pity Party is necessary. We all have sh#t and sometimes that sh#t just overflows our barrel and like an unruly toddler – we need a time out.
So that’s what I did. Took a time out and tried to breathe. And focus on the present. And be grateful. Let the sun shine on my face. And worked on finding my way back to me by caring for myself from the inside out.
I’m feeling it. And ready for a re-set.
If you are ready too – stay tuned. We’ll do this together.